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The Comedy Corner

People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.

Leo J. Burke

Joined a health club last year, spent four hundred bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

Rich Ceisler

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."

Andy Rooney

The biggest seller is cookbooks and the second is diet books - how not to eat what you've just learned how to cook.

Andy Rooney

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked,
"What's on the TV?"...I said, 'Dust!"

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food.. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.

I've gained a few pounds around the middle. The only lower-body garments I own that still fit me comfortably are towels.

Dave Barry

Always live within your income,
even if you have to borrow money to do so.

Josh Billings

To stop smoking is the easiest thing I ever did.
I ought to know; I've done it a thousand times.

Mark Twain

I told my wife: You could lose a lot of weight if you'd just carry all your diet books around the block once a day.

Bill Hoest

I always hold hands with my wife.
If I let go, she starts to shop.

I get plenty of exercise: jumping to conclusions,
pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines!

Lampner's Law of Employment:

When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed.
When you leave work early, you will meet the
boss in the parking lot.

Nothing makes it easier to resist temptation than a proper bringing-up, a sound set of values - and witnesses.

Franklin P. Jones

Quote Corner / Weight Loss Tips